I can read the filthiest smut with the straightest fucking face you’ve ever seen in your life.

“She looked down the table, then said in a low, conspiratorial whisper, ‘Have you ever heard of spontaneous combustion?’
‘I have a friend, Dana, who was in the grocery store one day, and her arm, like, bursts into flame. Just like that. Just her arm. And she’s screaming and waving her arm around and around, flames shooting everywhere. Finally the cops showed up and arrested her.’
‘Arrested her? Why did–’
‘Possession of an unlicensed firearm.’
A great, heavy silence settled over the room. She looked down at the table again, a smile playing at her lips, looking extraordinarily pleased with herself.”

—  Amy Sullivan is a queen, John Dies at the End by David Wong (via stromcuzewon)

(Source: tentacled-flying-lampfucker)


when you really hate the fuck out of someone but you cant say shit because everyone else loves them and you know deep down in your cold dead heart that they’re a terrible person